Some days, I am so weary. I just don’t know if I want to continue on this journey. It seems as if it’s too hard. I ask if it’s worth it or if it’s just pointless.
I don’t always want to do the things I am doing. Sometimes, my work is exhausting. Sometimes, my family is exhausting. Sometimes, my sobriety is exhausting. Sometimes, writing is exhausting.
And I just don’t want to do it anymore.
There is so much commitment, so much endurance, so much…everything. There is never a day when I have no responsibilities. I always have to be doing something. And not in the over-committed, too busy hustle and bustle of life. Just living out the necessary responsibilities makes me worn out at times.
In this particular blogging exercise, I have committed to writing 40 posts over the course of the (almost) 7 week Lenten season. I have missed 3 of those days. A couple others have been reposts or long quotations/works by others. And some days, I have made it until late in the afternoon before realizing I have not fully completed what I want to share for the day.
And I find it exhausting. I have to requirement to do this. It is not fulfilling any obligation. It is just something I want to do. And I truly do hope people are reading and enjoying.
But even in this optional exercise that I willingly chose to do, I struggle with continuing.
Day 30 out of 40.
75% of the way complete and I am asking, “Is this good enough?”
In my journey of sobriety, 75% of the way through the 12 steps brings me to making amends. It is a difficult part of the process. But I know it is not the end of the process. There is still more work to do. But as I look at the list of people I have harmed; as I look at the list of things I have done, I am weary. As I approach each person to confess and repent, I feel a little more exhausted.
But I know there is more to come. So am I going to stop where I am at? Or will I continue.
In my journey through Lent, I am trying to sacrifice some things in order to rely on God more. It is a time to remember that life is temporary; things are temporary. I am working to prepare myself for the joy of the resurrection. Through it all, the focus is on how my faith can grow through this period of time. I am 75% of the way through this season. Do I need to continue?
I know that more good can come from my surrender. So will I stop here? Or keep going?
I wonder what Jesus was thinking and experiencing on day 30 of his 40 days in the wilderness after his baptism. How weary was he? How lonely was he? How hungry was he?
Did he experience feelings of doubt? Or a desire to give up and think that 30 days was long enough?
Jesus continued. For 40 days. He gave up fulfilling his own desires in order to draw closer to God. And he persevered.
I think about how difficult day 30 is (for example, I’m posting this on day 31 because of the busy-ness of day 30). I think about how hard step 9 is in the 12 step process. I think about how difficult it is to be a husband, father, friend, employee each day. And I draw a little bit of comfort from this:
You cannot experience the challenges of day 30 without first making it through day 1. You cannot complete a journey without passing through every stage of that journey. If you want to make it 100% of the way, you will have to complete 75% before doing so.
Some days, I am weary. Some days, I think continuing is too hard. Some days, I think the goal is unattainable. And then I remember: I am only in today. I have made it this far because I have lived one day at a time for quite a while. When I bring my focus into today, it provides a little bit of rest for my weary soul.