I need to be able to fix things. There is this desire (most likely driven by ego) to be able to state I am self-sufficient enough that I can do all things. I would rather not have to rely on other people. I’m sure you have heard the joke: I want the members of my last group project to the be the pallbearers at my funeral; that way, they can let me down one more time.
I just want to be able to do it all, at all times, in any manner necessary, with varying degrees of success. Is that really so much to ask?
I am powerless.
Those are three difficult words to say. That is an admission I do not want to make. There are too many implications in that phrase that I do not think I am ready to deal with.
I might need to rely on somebody else. I might need to invite someone into the deepest, darkest places of my life. I may need to admit that I actually do know how weak I am. I may need to take off my mask and acknowledge that I have just been putting on a show.
That is not who I want you to see when you look at me. I want you to see Michael Jordan in his prime; Stephen King churning out bestsellers; Lin-Manuel Miranda creating another masterpiece. I want you to see success. I want you to see strength. I want you to see perfection.
I want you to see me as powerful.
I want you to think I have my life together.
I want you to think as highly of myself as I do.
Only, I don’t really think that highly of myself. When I put on that show, it is much more for my benefit than for anyone else’s. I think I have always known that I am powerless. I just never wanted to say it out loud. I mean, let’s face it, there is quite a wake of destruction in my path. I can see the evidence of how my lack of power nearly destroyed those I love; nearly destroyed me.
I am powerless. I am not helpless. I can’t do this on my own. But when others pour into me (and I don’t resist them), I find the strength to survive each day.
I may never look as great as I want to. But that’s okay. That’s not me. I’m powerless today. Thank God.
From dust you came, to dust you will return.
You were powerless to bring yourself into the world; you are powerless to the fact that you will one day leave this world. It is the human experience to be born; to experience death. We make choices along the way. We make decisions every day. But our power is limited. It is good when we can remember that.