I Have No Idea What I’m Doing

Have you ever heard the joke: “I don’t know how to act my age. I have never been this age before.”?

Haha! Very funny! Only…it’s kind of true.

There are some days that I have absolutely no idea how to act—I don’t know what to do or what to say. I am afraid that everything I want to say and do is the absolute wrong thing at the wrong time. I just do my best to fake it until I can go to bed.

I have been married for 18 years now. I usually think that 18 years of experience in any given thing makes one an expert. But there are days I look at my spouse and think I have absolutely no idea how to be a good husband. Most days we laugh and get along great. But there are those days when one of us just says something so incredibly stupid it boggles the mind (I’m often the one saying that stuff). Some nights I go to bed thinking, “I need to figure out how to make up for this.”

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I have three kids. I love being a dad. I love watching them as their gifts and talents grow. They are all smart and loving and gifted in a variety of different ways. But they are teenagers. So many days I cannot say or do anything right. I am often “lame.” And I often get called out on it, too. So many days I have realized that I cannot come up with the right thing to say to help them through whatever they are facing. I try to be there for them, set boundaries for them, nurture them, and so on, but I feel like I have just angered them in some way.

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I want to be a good employee. I love my job. I get to work with people who are discovering their talents and getting connected with their goal careers. Some days. I am on the ball—people are learning and growing and making new realizations and getting closer to their goals. And other days, I am just left at a loss with how to help. Some days, I get questions that I can’t answer. Some days, I realize that I forgot to do something the day before and I have let someone down. Some days, I have to admit that I can’t help everyone.

There are so many other categories I can go into. I can talk about my volunteer work at church. I can talk about my time spent with people in 12 step recovery. I can talk about my desire to be more vocal and more active in helping people who face injustice every day. I am fully aware of all my failures and all the ways I could have done better. (I am also aware of the ways I have done the right thing.)

I am just trying to maneuver through this life in a way that pleases God and helps others. Some days, I do better than others.

And I think that makes me human.

I don’t know about you, but that is a difficult thing for me to allow myself to be. Because to be human means to be imperfect; to make mistakes. To be human means to struggle with decisions, temptations, addictions. To be human means to be in relationship…and that requires vulnerability.

To be human means that some days I am going to fake it.

Please feel free to join me. I have a feeling I am not alone.

So what about it, readers? Anyone else have to fake it through one (or more) days? How do you deal? Join in the conversation!

14 thoughts on “I Have No Idea What I’m Doing

  1. I can absolutely relate to this. Especially as a Stay-At-Home-Mom, I feel like I have to do a lot of extra activities, even if I have no more room in the schedule, just to “prove” to people I don’t really care about anyways that I’m not a lazy person who likes to sit and watch TV all day while her husband hands her the bacon. But I love what you said at the end, about allowing yourself to be human. I have to remind myself constantly that God is the only perfect person, but through Him, I can do anything I set my mind to! He’s the reason I get through each day, whether my schedule is full or not, or people are judgmental or not. This is a really great post! Thank you for sharing!

  2. Hey Paul!

    This made me laugh a little this morning so thank you for that! It sounds like you are an amazing and wonderful human being. I know that God is really proud of you! You sound a lot more accomplished and wonderful than it seems like you think you are (I don’t think that sentence made sense lol). Don’t worry so much about angering or letting people down because I’m sure you’re doing the best that you can do and that’s all you can do!

    • Thank you for saying that! It’s kinda funny–tomorrow’s post will address something similar, but I promise I am not always too hard on myself!

      (P.S. that one sentence made perfect sense to me. I don’t know if that’s good or bad!)

  3. I went to a party last month and whispered to a friend “there are so many grown ups here.” “Right” she told me, “no kids were invited.” I meant of course that I didn’t feel like a grown up myself. Which is sometimes a good thing!

  4. I know I am old (40) because my body reminds me of that on a daily basis. Problem is, I just don’t feel it, or really act like it. I guess I forever want to be in my 20s or 30s. But, I welcome the second phase of my life with open arms.

  5. I learned long ago to fake it til you make it, at least that’s what I was taught in direct sales. The thing is, on some things, I never made it to the “make it” part and in all honestly, I don’t think I was sure what that even meant in some cases! To this day I still have a strong social anxiety about letting someone down, and yes it makes me human, but even more than that I learned to start living my life for me and not someone else. I don’t have all the answers, I can’t help everyone, but I can do somethings within my limits and I can continue to learn how to be more efficient so I can help more people, but ultimately. I am who I am and that’s all that I am 🙂 Sorry for the ramble, LOL. I’ve been thinking about these things a lot lately too.

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